Aww here I am in solitude. We had a very special wedding to attend last night so the girls stayed over with JT's parents. So much has changed since I last blogged, I no longer am working as a Hairstylist, our oldest daughter hit double digits and turned 10, our middle daughter is now in kindergarten, I've gone from blonde to brunette, my husband has started to pursue teaching and other advanced areas of his career (now that I have freed my schedule of clients to fully support him) and I have jumped head first back into the world of fitness. Life is full of busyness around our house and yet I look back on our days and wonder why. Its not like the girls are not in sports and I never schedule evening plans due to the amount of homework that comes home daily between two kids.
Letting go of my career was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had so much fear and anxiety hovering over me, what if we needed the money more then we knew, was I ready to be completely dependent on my husband, would I lose the sense of "this is what I bring to the table". The list goes on I was afraid for so much but I knew its what our family needed. The anxiety and stress that came from prepping for clients was far greater then the anxiety and stress I would have over losing a few dollars of our income, and the truth was God was calling me to more then just being completely dependent on my husband but to be completely dependent on Him having an overwhelming faith that He would bless and provide for us through my husband. So I let Him have it! I did my part and quit work, and you know what God has blessed and He HAS provided!! Not only have the bills been paid every month which is always nice but more importantly there is a peace that fills our home! I have learned that I as the women of the house set the mood. If I am stressed and my anxiety is high my kids and my husband are frantically on edge trying to keep mom from blowing. If I've got a chill attitude and stay calm through the mess and stress of life we all have more confidence that it will all work itself out, no big deal! :) The saddest part for me is that I am realizing mostly in my oldest daughter that I have to "reteach" a lot of behaviors and how we should react to situations, the good news is, I do not believe in "the first five" rule. I know I have not lost hope with her and as long as we stay consistent I can pass down the blessing of calm relaxed peace.
Fast forwarding quite a bit now I have jumped on the "fitness band wagon". Well I've always loved fitness and being in shape, I can even remember working out with my moms dumbbells when I was in elementary maybe middle school. In High school I put together an "All about me" board for a class project with pictures of ripped body builders and said "I will marry a guy like this one day" lol! But life and three kids later I had all but lost my fitness dreams. Then I started to notice a bunch of friends frequenting a Boot Camp in our area and after some coaxing from one of these friends I decided to give it a try! That was the beginning and I haven't stopped! I don't get to attend BC much due to JTs crazy schedule but I do hit the gym 5-6 days a week with my gym partner and I have signed up for a half marathon that I will run this weekend so I've been training for that running any where from 5-almost 10 miles every few days. I noticed a huge change in my body and can almost taste my dream of getting on stage to compete like I dreamed when I was a little girl! I can see myself up there rocking a body I thought was for sure lost to motherhood! So here I sit on my couch resting taking it easy because I am trying to catch a cold and cannot get sick right before my run! I haven't stopped to blog or read or relax in so long! I don't know how to STOP! But I want to complete my half on saturday so I am forcing myself to stop! This is so good for me though because I have been struggling mentally with my childhood dream. I am different then I was in High School (aren't we all!?) life happened to me, a LOT of life, I've been through the ringer and I've found my peace in the only source I believe that can bring true peace, God. Being in the fitness world surrounded by "beautiful people" who are in constant talk of me, me, me, my body needs this, I need to do that, Im competing here, takes its toll! Don't get me wrong I believe God wants us to love and care for ourselves not only mentally but physically. I also believe that in all things there needs to be balance! Which in itself is a challenge! So here I am sitting stopped and I am finally allowing these thoughts to flood from my mind. While I type, I get to process all thats been going on and share my journey with all of you (whoever YOU may be). I love that I am finally able to go after a life long dream but I love even MORE that I've come to a place in my life where Im not facing my dreams alone, I have my Father who loves me deeper then I could imagine here with me ready to carry me through the struggles that this dream will bring along the way! Its crazy actually because just the little taste that I've had of what goes into fitness competitions and prep I cant imagine doing it without Him! I love that I've come full circle and I can look back and see how He put me in places and brought people in to my life preparing me with the support and mental game I will need to step out on that stage! I am more excited and more motivated then I have EVER been!! Its corny but I have that Miley Cyrus song in my head a lot " I can almost see it, that dream Im dreamin". I think Im ready but as I continue this chapter of my life I know I do not want to look back on it and see that I pushed God aside! I want to stay focused on who I REALLY am and being a fitness model is not what will define me! I still and always will want to stay focused on being a daughter of the King! So your prayers over me are welcomed and appreciated I look forward to the challenge of finding balance but know that I cannot do it alone! If I lose focus on Him I will lose myself!
Im not sure how to end this entry, I guess I just needed to share my thoughts out loud living life as a christian has never been easy, being into fitness and my body so much I just struggle with fears of is this me being too selfish? Why do I care so much about my outer appearance when I know God cares more about my inner. Is this wrong? So far I feel like I just cant lose focus in what really matters. So heres to staying focused on the bigger picture and who I really am! Thanks for reading my blabber :)
With Love,
LT
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